I'm not particularly excited to write this post.
The past three nights have been rather sleepless, maybe because last weekend I had a meltdown.
Yeah, not a good way to start a post, but I've noticed a few things these past couple of days that make this experience useful for training.
The main reason I find practicing mindfulness so useful is the space it helps me create between the sometimes crazy crap in my head and me.
So even though I had one of my meltdowns and ended up huddled next to the bedroom closet, part of me was able to watch what was happening.
![](https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-0grxRVua3sc/UInbUICjSEI/AAAAAAAAPEc/jgUVdmuVN1Q/D270A568-9605-4D91-8655-9CD469513BA5.jpg)
This meltdown didn't last very long but it was intense. During one moment I had this image of fuzzy dark pressure taking up all of my mind. Nothing made sense, I couldn't think, it was dark and all consuming.
The above image is what my meltdown looked like to me at its most intense moment.
![](https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-jyaLolr3hUE/UInbWz1jbtI/AAAAAAAAPE8/QmQXP0PN6d8/D547091F-BD48-4E13-A3E3-9A9698E9D7C0.jpg)
I remember trying to focus on my breath. I remember covering my ears and hearing the sound of my breath the way you hear sounds under water.
That seemed to help and I remember feeling a bit more space.
The room came back into focus and I gained a little more space.
![](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-nBIBF5YXyFw/UInbVjEO4jI/AAAAAAAAPEs/MGSNjXuyOXY/8E25590E-26AF-4332-9AE5-B998439210C9.jpg)
When I came out of it and the pressure subsided, I immediately became ashamed.
Fast as you can blink I had a thousand thoughts storm my mind.
I shouldn't have done this.
Now I'm back were I started.
I'm weak.
I'm not a man.
![](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-53T8-Fndj3E/UInbWR_Pm1I/AAAAAAAAPE0/GXC0WgyVjSk/7892165A-824D-4054-BF40-ABA0205D7D47.jpg)
Well, right away, I started making space between that too.
Thinking about this post and analyzing this last meltdown has given me a better understanding of my inner realm.
This one wasn't nearly as bad as times past. It didn't take me days to get over it either.
Yeah, I had a meltdown, but I'm at peace with it.
This post was guided by the 33th stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba , the founder and creator of the Martial Art, Aikido.
Armor Down now has a website. Check it out.
Like the AD Facebook page and I'll send you a great book about Mindfulness!
HOOAH
![](https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-Y2Ozv2FIrnc/UInbU_dLx9I/AAAAAAAAPEk/w1YRAPfR7-s/28484CC9-5DD1-44C7-A234-9FEDBADE7AFE.jpg)
If you had it to do all over again - serving our country - would you?
ReplyDeleteI'll admit to a meltdown or two. I try to stave mine (the impetus) away.
Can you? Should you?
Would definitely do it over again. It took a little while but I now no longer fear the "weaker" parts of myself. Nor do I try to eliminate them.
ReplyDeleteI think that's pretty cool.
Thanks for interacting with me through this Blog, Anita.
Hooah!
You're welcome.
ReplyDeleteYou are my source to lives/jobs/duties/consequences/rewards/etc. (of vets) that are hard to comprehend.
My father (passed in 1999) served in WWII - never talked about it (to me); my stepfather in Korea - never talks about it; but my mother heard the nightmares.
Good that you're talking about it and using the images.
Hooah!