Shadow Series: Opposite of WarriorShip

What is the opposite of being a warrior and are you willing to go there? I asked myself this question before I meditated the other day.

I felt prepared to answer the question in a very experiential way because I felt ready.

I felt my daily training and the training I received from Richard Miller at Kripalu had prepared me to drop into the shadows.

So I did.

I put myself into a relaxed state and examined the most horrifying aspects of my experience with war.

I put myself back into the moment of the IED blast and imagined a worse scenario than what really happened. I put myself back into situations of horror.

Why did I do this? I went into the shadows because the tools from my mindfulness training enable me to do so safely and because that's what I think warriors do. There are demons in my shadow and I don't want to be afraid of them.

If you decide to listen to the drop I encourage you to recognize what I did as a journey grounded in thousands of years of tradition. The techniques I employ during the experience are scientifically tested and repeatable.

All this to say that I was prepared. In other words, I encourage you to learn the protocol before going fully into the shadows like I have done.

To that end......I invite you to participate in another kind of drop taking place Memorial Day weekend.

On Sunday, May 26th, Weloo Parks, Armor Down's parent company, and volunteers will attempt to share 10,000 flyers with the Veterans, their families and their friends as they come to the National Mall for Rolling Thunder.

If you've never heard of Rolling Thunder it's a motorcycle rally take takes place every year to remind us of our nations past forays into the shadows and not to forget the ones that didn't come back.

As you can see from this map, Washington DC was designed a but like a star. You may notice the correlation between the location of Arlington Cemetery and the Armor Down Logo.

Believe it or not the AD logo just happened to turn out that way.

Anyway, I show you this map as an overview to help you get an idea about what is taking place on Sunday, May 26th.

As you can see from this more detailed map, volunteers will gather around two main points: Metro Center and L'Enfant Plaza.

From there volunteers will be sent out with doubled sided postcard flyers in the green areas.

The reason the mall is crossed off is because the park police don't let people hand out flyers on their grounds, but I have confirmed with DC police that passing out flyers under their jurisdiction is perfectly fine.

Come for an hour or two or until we get the job done. Come to either metro location and text me at 202-487-5734 or find the volunteers with the Armor Down T-Shirts.

If you can't come, but still want to participate, "like" the Armor Down Facebook page and share the flyers with anyone you think might have trouble sleeping. We are coordinating our on-the-ground drop with a social media campaign, so between Armor Down and our eight partners there will be plenty of time to click and share.

If you have any questions shoot me an email at ben@armordown.com or just comment on Facebook.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to include the recording of my own drop.


Hope to see you Sunday the 26th.

This post was guided by the 62nd stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba
Armor Down has a website. Check it out.

If you like the AD Facebook page and I'll email you the PDF of a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English".



Thrive as a civilian.

Green Zone Meditation

Instead of writing this week I've decided to record a meditation. The track is 9 minutes long.

I was inspired by the military understanding of a Green Zone.

I always thought of the green zone as more secure than a FOB so I wanted to create a complimentary meditation.

I invite you to listen to your senses. Especially, hearing to determine proximity.

If you've ever been in a mortar attack, sound will give you a ton of information.

Here is the meditation.

This post was guided by the 61st stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba
Armor Down has a website. Check it out.

If you like the AD Facebook page and I'll email you the PDF of a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English".



Thrive as a civilian.

Once More Unto The Breach

Once a warrior always a warrior, Hooah. It's pretty simple really. For some the Warrior is in their blood.

One of my closest buddies is a Vietnam Veteran. I remember having a conversation with him about a thought process I have almost every time I go to church.

"As I sit down in the pew, preparing for worship, I image a scenario where bad guys rush down the isle and take everyone hostage. What would I do, how would I help."

After I told him this fantasy he looked at me, smiled, and said he does the same thing.

The fact of the matter is that I will always try to help and protect others.

I have realized that in order to do this I must continue to hone my ability to go into the shadows.

Now I used to think that the only thing protecting me from the shadow side was my H&K USP .45

This makes perfect sense considering the emphasis my military training placed on weapons. But now, as a warrior living a civilian lifestyle, I understand that what I fear can't be diminished by a firearm. My opponent is much more subtle.

What I fear is not being good enough. What I fear is not having what it takes to get the job done, to be successful, to be a good husband or father. This fear has driven my life.

The worse part about this fear is that I can't blow its friggen head off without hurting myself. Therefore I must learn to live in harmony with it.

As you all know meditation is a tool I use for internal training. Well this week I've been studying a meditation protocol called iRest and through this training I have begun the practice of safely going into my deepest fear and harmonizing with it.

I will not go into detail here how the protocol works, but there came a point during the meditation in which I was holding my greatest fear and it's opposite in my awareness at the same time. It never occurred to me to use meditation to do this but after following the protocol it made perfect sense.

The fact that I managed to get to this place means that my shadow side is no longer off limits.

Bottom line: I was able to sit in the shadow side of my soul and return unscathed.

Tell me what's more Warrior than that.

This post was guided by the 60th stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba
Armor Down has a website. Check it out.

If you like the AD Facebook page and I'll email you the PDF of a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English".



Thrive as a civilian.

How to Slow Play Death

To protect us in Iraq, the Army deployed different tactics. Short term protection came in the form of body armor and high walls.

Medium term came in the form of quick response teams to protect the areas right outside the walls.

Long term came in the form of good chow and entertainment.

The point here is that while death was always in your face there were many tactics deployed to keep it at bay.

The point of this weeks post is the same thing, only instead of dealing with death knocking at your door, you're looking at death sitting across from you at the poker table.

You know death is going to win in the long run, but as a smart player you deploy particular tactics to stay in the game as long as possible.

There is no right way slow play death, but this weeks stanza has some suggestions.

To slow play death you need to know when to be strong, when to be flexible, when to be like water and when to be empty.

Now I can't tell you what these will mean for you, but I can give you examples of what they have meant to me.

So back in Iraq I had to be strong every time things got nasty. I knew I had to be strong to protect myself, but also the team.

I also had to be flexible. As Psyops we ended up attached to lots of different platoons and each had their own tactical troop procedures.

With my chain of command and other Officers I had to deal with I had to be like water, in other words, just go with the flow. Sometimes the Officers I dealt with were.......frustrating. But they were part of the team and I needed to interact with them effectively.

Empty is a word commonly used in the meditation community to denote indifference to a specific outcome. The idea being that if you don't have a particular set of expectations you will easily blend with any outcome.

I was empty towards the outcome of the Iraq war during the time I was down range because I felt that if I attached my happiness to how well the war effort was coming along, I'd spend more time upset than not.

Now, like I've said a thousand times before, it's a bit easier to be this way down range because death, or the fear of death, is a motivating force. Back home that force is less powerful because for many of us, death may be years, if not decades away.

I figure it like this, I know death is going to win in the end, but in the meantime I'm going to win steady, take a few big pots, but most of all enjoy the fact that I am still playing.

This post was guided by the 59th stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba
Armor Down has a website. Check it out.

If you like the AD Facebook page and I'll email you the PDF of a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English".



Thrive as a civilian.

Shadow Series: Don't Try to Bad Ass Death

The shadow side series is an examination of things in context. For example, the difference between a glorious deed and a good deed is a terrible circumstance. The difference between doing something nice and doing something heroic is how much fear has to be overcome to get the job done.

The point I'm trying to make is that much of what we admire comes out of dark places. That said, it behooves us to acknowledge them.

Watching the news after Boston I was struck by the carnage. My illusion that IEDs wouldn't come to America was shattered. Here I was seeing blood form the same patterns on concrete as I saw in Iraq.

Every day this week I saw more and more images of the carnage. Almost as though we were taunting fear and death. We aren't afraid.....see.

Let me reflect a moment to further my point. I had a beer with a South African Commando some years back. Real bad ass dude. We exchanged some war stories and after I told him about how the bad guys couldn't kill me he looked me square in the eye and said " don't try to bad ass death".

I've thought about what he meant for years but it wasn't until this week after watching the news that I got what he meant.

You may have noticed all the rally around the flag, we are not afraid, we will come back stronger talk on the news. This is great but I think what we are doing is trying to bad ass death. Look it in the face and scream that we aren't scared even though our illusion of safety has been shattered, again

Trying to bad ass death is not acknowledging the shadow side. Acting like its not there, ironically, diminishes the heroism displayed by regular guys and gals in Boston and prevents us from really sitting with fear.

Sitting with fear, letting it in and talking about it with loved ones is not only a good thing to do, it's called grieving.

Grieving is a spiritual necessity. It's our way of letting the fear, all wrapped up in our bodies, out.

This too takes courage, only not the kind that will get you on the cover of the Times. Instead, I encourage you to find the courage and the time to grieve. Really feel the loss of that little boy. Feel the fear of something like this happening to your family, don't run from it or try to bad ass it, work with it.

Have the courage to be scared.

This post was guided by the 58th stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba
Armor Down has a website. Check it out.

If you like the AD Facebook page and I'll email you the PDF of a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English".

Lisa Wimberger's meditations:

Grounding Your Armor

Neutral Space

Mind Cordon

Riding the Sun

Thrive as a civilian.

My Imagination Loves To Rage

The funny thing about rage is that it can be empowering.

I was running through a very picturesque neighborhood yesterday morning and I found myself fantasizing about brutal violence.

The violence in my mind was directed at the 4 high schoolers who raped a teenager in Canada. As if that wasn't enough these demons put pictures of her on Facebook. To make matters worse the school turned their backs on this girl, shaming the victim instead of the perpetrators.

I let my imagination put me into a confrontation with the four boys. This confrontation was a surprise attack during lunch so that everyone could see. After the breaking of ribs, knee caps and other non-lethal destruction I would scream at the other high schoolers, " look at your demons now. LOOK YOU COWARDS."

These images are bouncing through my mind and as I'm running through a grove of blossoming trees, I find my pace quicken. The power I imagined myself having felt good.

What made me recognize this fantasy as a slippery slope was the fact that it felt good. I let my fantasies subside and refocused my awareness on the beauty around me.

That same night while reading a book called Aftermath by Vietnam war veteran Fred Downs, I came across one of his experiences of a raging imagination.

Let me set the stage. On January 10, 1968, LT. Downs stepped on a Bouncing Betty near Chu Lai, Vietnam. That landmine took his left arm and almost got his legs. After days of unimaginable pain and suffering, L.T. Downs was transferred to the Philippines. During his treatment there, he was examined by Filipino doctors who showed no consideration for the pain they were causing Downs during their examination. Downs describes the pain, but more than the pain he describes the powerlessness to do anything about it. He ends the retelling of the experience with Rage.

Thrashing back-and-forth moaning from the pain and degradation of helplessly lying in fields of my own blood crusted dressings the two Philippine doctors finally walked out, leaving me bloody, exhausted, and much nearer death.

Tortured into an insane rage by suffering and defilement I envision myself firing an M-60 machine gun into their bodies.

I shot out of orbit to destroy them. There was a difference, though. For the first time, I turned on myself. After destroying the doctors, I crashed into myself and exploded into fragments toward infinity. It was as if I experienced the crash from two perspectives myself as a destroyer missile and myself as a soldier. As I turned for a final dive I saw the hospital walls down in my room, down to my body lying in the bed. As a missile I had to increase my speed to the ultimate in the dive so that the crash would be intensified. Speed and noise were power, and power was needed for the destruction I wished. It would take a lot of power to kill me. As I lay in my bed watching myself approach an awesome rate of speed I rose up from my bed with a guttural snarl and steeled myself to fight against myself.

When we collided there was a volcanic detonation of sound, colossal boiling clouds, and a sea of dazzling sparkling lights, scattering into pieces.

Everything was surrounded with, immersed in, and throbbing with waves of burning, excruciating pain.

Aftermath, pg 72

While our experiences with rage came from different circumstances both experiences hold the common need for feeling power in the face of betrayal. Mine the betrayal of a young girl by her classmates and her school, Downs being betrayed by those who are supposed to be helping him survive.

Why am I talking about this? Betrayal takes an infinite number of forms. Maybe we feel betrayed by circumstance...."life is not supposed to be this way, this wasn't supposed to happen to me." Whatever the case, rage can be a valuable tool in the short term but it is not sustaining.

Further into Aftermath, Downs finds new ways to feel alive and empowered.........

I found myself coming back to the moment and enjoying the beauty of Spring unfolding around me.

This post was guided by the 57th stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba
Armor Down has a website. Check it out.

If you like the AD Facebook page and I'll email you the PDF of a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English".

Lisa Wimberger's meditations:

Grounding Your Armor

Neutral Space

Mind Cordon

Riding the Sun

Thrive as a civilian.

The Drama of Being Hunted

One of my battles told me the other month that he much preferred the war in Afghanistan to the war in Iraq.

"King, Afghanistan was some good shit compared to Iraq. In Iraq, all I felt was that we were being hunted. In Afghanistan, we were doing the hunting."

Hunted we were. Our team went on over 300 missions and it can easily be argued that much of what we did was drive around waiting to get hit.

This played with my mind. I experienced fear even when the enemy wasn't there.

To make this feeling more accessible to the civilian mindset let me tell you two quick stories.

The first takes place on a farm when I was 12. We were at a friends farm in western Virginia. Our plan was to go swimming in the pond on the farm that afternoon. Before we went, my friends mom told us to be careful of water moccasins and snapping turtles.

All I remember is swimming along when I hear the dad, this guy named Dennis, start screaming at me to SWIM SWIM there is a water moccasin behind you!

I didn't see the snake, but I felt it biting at my heels as my mind and body experienced terror. I got to shore before I got bit only to hear Dennis laughing. It had all been a joke, but I couldn't go back into the water after that.

During a patrol in Iraq we caught a bunch of militia guys driving around after curfew. As we were searching them one of their cell phones rang. Our interpreter answered. It was other militia on the phone saying that we were surrounded and that if we didn't let their guys go they would wipe us out.

I remember covering my sector and even though I was in full body armor and behind an up armor Humvee, I felt exposed.

Just like in the pond, there was no threat. The insurgents on the phone, like Dennis, attempted to manipulate my internal environment.

The mind is an dynamic tool. I've found that my own mind will create threats even when there aren't any. This may result in me getting angry for no reason or feeling stress unnecessarily.

Thinking back on Iraq and dealing with the feelings of being hunted I relied on my weapons and my body armor to placate my fears. My fear wasn't eliminated, mind you, but when my fear showed up I did have something to counter it.

In the civilian world I obviously don't wear body armor, nor carry around a weapon, but I do have techniques that I employ when that fear arises.

As a reminder to everyone who reads this blog, mindfulness is my tool of choice for managing my internal environment. I know my mind has the ability to run off and think up some powerful stuff. Usually it's something associated with a past experience or a potential future. Now I catch it. If need be I ground my mind in my body with exercise or just pay attention to my posture. Mindfulness cuts through the drama and puts me front and center with what's actually going on.

Big deal, huh? Nope, just situational awareness.

This post was guided by the 56th stanza of the Art of Peace, a book written by Morihei Ueshiba
Armor Down has a website. Check it out.

If you like the AD Facebook page and I'll email you the PDF of a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English".

Lisa Wimberger's meditations:

Grounding Your Armor

Neutral Space

Mind Cordon

Riding the Sun

Thrive as a civilian.