Fear now shows up in the morning.
Silly bastard jumps into my thoughts and Jams up my shit.
If I don't catch it quick I'm sure to create a sour mood.
What I have realized is that this cannot be eliminated.
I will never destroy my fears.
That said there are things I can do about them.
I lump all negative feelings/thoughts/emotions into one category: Fear.
It's all the same crap, valuable at times, but largely useless.
For me fear gets in the way of my flow.
Anyway I thought i was going to be late for my class at the VA and fearful that I would miss the start....time wasted, got to class on time.
Karen (the teacher) began by guiding us (big class today at least 10 guys, Korea,Nam, and Iraq) thru a breathing sequence and then a guided sensory meditation.
When I get inside my mind and body I feel the connection.
Shit is slower, my focus is inward and I have pretty good control over my head.
No stupid pop songs endlessly repeating or fears.
Just relaxation.
Then BAM BAM BAM the sound of a hammer kicks off down the hall.
My focus immediately shoots outward and I start saying in my head (what the fuck)
I start to fear that I won't get the connection back......then I catch my thoughts.
The first step I take to catch my thoughts is to smile. A smile will stomp most fears into the ground.
Next I re-focus on my breathing. I was getting the connection back when I hear...
Brat tat tat tat. The sound of a jack hammer on the street.
For fuck sake my mind screams.
This time I laugh to myself.
Half of these noises sound like machine guns and incoming mortar fire, sounds like these don't elicit much fear for me but I had a flash back.
My smile helped but it took a bit longer this time to get the connection back and right after I did the class ended.
Hahaha....
Here is the coolest part about this stuff.....I'm not afraid that I won't get the connection back.
I know that ever time I practice mindfulness I'll get better at creating the connection.
Every time I catch my thoughts I get better at dealing with my fear.
This was my third week sitting with these guys. You wanna talk about a connection....
Even though I was a little late the Vietnam Vet I usually sit next to had saved my seat
No comments:
Post a Comment