I don't think of Post Traumatic Stress as a disorder, but a depletion.
A depletion that negates your ability to hold together.
Which means that there is a point where you cross over into a different place.
Therefore I have been examining my edges. Edges of what?
Well there is a place where happy becomes sad.
Where frustrated becomes enraged.
Where enraged becomes vicious.
They teach us this edge in the military. I used to use my edge to motivate me to train harder.
You ever imagined killing someone with your bare hands to save a battle buddy?
Sounds crazy right? Nope not at all.
Go to the processing center at Fort Benning and on the walls you will see stories of guys who did just that.
ADAMS, STANLEY T. must have gone into a dark place to do what he had to. His story gets me fired up.
Anyway, you civilians may see this shit and cringe, it motivated me.
So the edge is a interesting place.
What makes the edge so interesting is that once you have crossed it everything is forever changed.
Did you know that anti-depressant medicine use became socially acceptable after
Women in my gym were talking about Zoloft yesterday like it was candy.
But that is my point. Cross an edge, things change.
After a trauma everything is different. You are in a new place.
Now some don't ever come to an edge again, others do and fall.
I used to fall off the edge after no sleep. I was depleted, something would start me and boom....crying in the corner.
That further depleted me, leaving me in a bad place. I feel for the poor bastards who get stuck.
While meditating today at the VA I realized that I was practicing at an edge.
The edge of internal and external awareness.
The teacher would relax us and guide us in, but I realized that it was my job to stay there.
I'd get in, and I could feel how far.
Things sounded different.
My body felt different and I had a bit of control over my awareness.
Now I've mentioned before that there are a lot of things that go on outside the class.
Loud noises outside, banging of chairs, others Joes snoring.
Sometimes this stuff would distract me and pull me Away. But today I was able to bring it back.
However, and this is what I'm talking about when I say depletion.......
Each subsequent distraction made it harder and harder to remain on the side of relaxation.
The was one loud bang that brought me out so fast that I really had to stay focused to hold the line.
I see this as practice.
I know there will be times in the future when I'm depleted and something will pull me to the edge.
There is no avoiding it. I've seen the dark side. Used it. Liked the power.
I've felt the shame, hated it, wished I could have avoided it.
But I'm getting better. And the better I get the more sleep I get and the closer I get to the lighter edges.
You know, the edge where hard becomes easy.
Where friendship becomes trust.
Where trust becomes love.
It takes practice, but it's worth the time.
You got time Thursday mornings?